A total calamity, the choices I have made.

Lately, I forget I even have a website. When something was happening, I used to immediately think, “Wow, I can’t wait to get home and post this.” Now it’s more like “Eh, maybe when I get home I’ll post this, if I actually remember.” Things are uninteresting. Not to say they’ve ever been that way, but it at least seemed it at the time. I got new glasses a few days ago, they’re pretty nice. Everyone seems to like them more than my older ones. My dad got me a new LED light a day or two ago. It’s really bright and nice, but it’s more of a spot light instead of lighting the whole room. I can’t believe it’s February already. I say that at the start of every month. I really don’t know where the time goes. I just ordered a new headset. I’m hoping it’s worth it. I’m always worried about new USB headsets, since they tend to sound different. My original one, the headset that came with Socom II for PS2 stopped working completely, then my brother gave me his. His cord is a tangled, ripped apart mess. I can’t hear out of it, so I have to use earbuds with it. I downloaded the new Motion City Soundtrack CD yesterday and it’s been on repeat since. There’s a How It’s Made marathon on the Science Channel. I’ve been watching that since 6 am or so.

All across the stacked United States of Woe.

Yesterday, as soon as I woke up, my dad is over here telling me how I had an eye doctor appointment today. When I first wake up, talking is one of the last things I want to do. I was going to lay down at 4 last night, but then Abby came in here and sat down next to me. I didn’t have the heart to make her move, so I just sat with her for a bit. She finally got up around 4:30 and I went to lay down, then she came back and sat down on the floor next to the bed. I woke up at 7 and had leftovers from yesterday. A chicken strip and macaroni and cheese, then took a shower. It took us an hour to get there. They blew air in to my eye and that sucked, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as the light he shined in my eyes for around five minutes, while telling me not to squint. I picked out a new pair of glasses. Both my dad and the girl that worked there liked them. That’s good enough for me, I guess. We went to Eat N Park at 1, which is entirely too early to eat. I wasn’t hungry at all. I’m normally still sleeping at that time or about to go take my afternoon nap. I got a hot turkey sandwich and mashed potatoes, but ended up eating it all. They went to Walmart, I chose to sit in the car. Another 40 minute drive back. Took a nap for a few hours.

I’ll let you in on something secret

It’s sad to sit here and realize that I’m doing the same thing in 2010 that I was doing in 2005. It bothers me more and more lately. Casey and Corey are always trying to get me to go to college. Part of me wants to. I feel like I need to do something, but I don’t know what. I lack motivation to do anything. I’m so incredibly stupid. The little bits of knowledge I gained from school have slowly slipped away. People keep saying college is different, but you still usually need to at least take some sort of math there. I’m horrible at math. Even after college, then what? As my brother told me, I would go to college, so I can sit at home after that. When I had the confidence to drive, back when I was 16, my mom wouldn’t let me. Now I could and I can’t picture myself driving. I really just want to get out of this house. I argue more and more with my mom daily and I think Mackenzie spends more time here than she does her own house. Between the two of them, I’m just completely dissatisfied here. I want to have someone to do things with, but no one wants to do anything with me, even if it’s just to pick me up to go somewhere else. They have their own life to worry about now. It leaves me even more bitter and lonely. I would really like to move in with Corey, but I just can’t leave Abby. Back in 2006, I had so many new people to talk to. It was so nice, because they would message me every day and it was just new and exciting. Now I never hear from any of them and if I do, it’s once every few months. Everyone grew up, started college, started jobs, started a family or at least something with their life and I’m still sitting here. I’m still surprised Tim talks to me. It’s hard to believe we’ve known each other since 1997.

Lately, Abby has been coming in here at night and just sitting on the floor and looking up at me until I pet her. It’s nice that she wants attention, because I have lots to give, but normally she’s just happy being left alone and sleeping through the night. She’s been doing this for the past few nights. If I don’t look down and pet her in enough time, she puts her paw up on me and leaves it there.

Fragile lives, shattered dreams

I’ve realized lately that I don’t really enjoy much of the music I enjoyed a few years ago. I still have some of the same bands I listened to 10 years ago. I spend most of my time in iTunes shuffling through songs because I’m either sick of listening to that band or song or I just no longer care for them entirely. My main source of new music was IRC, but during one of my formats, I forgot to write down the name of the channel that I went to and lost all of that. I spent all of last night playing PS3 with Corey. We played Borderlands for all of 5 minutes and realized it’s no longer the same, since we’re both max level and there isn’t anything left to do. I re-spec’d my character then quit to do something else. There’s new DLC coming out for it today, though, so maybe it will give us something else to do. He can’t get over how well I do on casual games like Bejeweled and this word game on omgpop (the letters are shuffled and you have to make words out of them), but on more hardcore games, I have no patience or desire to play. I got X-Blades from Gamefly, it’s.. not very good. I wish I would have waited and got Bayonetta instead. Heavy Rain comes out in a month or so, I’m really excited for that. I still haven’t watched Extract. I don’t remember if I mentioned this, but I bought the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles box set and Wall-E blu-rays off Corey a few weeks ago. I had my dad shave my head the other day, he caught my ear in the clipper, it was bleeding for a bit. He’s so pro.

Have some faith don’t you know that this is not a race?

12:04:06 AM mouood: If in 10 years, in the year 2020, I’m still on here talking to you about how I have nothing to do, I want you to kill me. Print this conversation out, I will sign it; then notarize it. Hopefully by then, assisted suicide will be legal and you will be absolved of all potential crimes.

Together We’ll Ring In The New Year

This must be it, welcome to the new year. The drinks were consumed, the plants were destroyed and the hors d’oeuvres dismantled. I’m not smiling behind this fake veneer. I am often interrupted or completely ignored, but most of all I’m bored. I’m trying to find out if my words have any meaning. Lackluster and full of contempt when it always ends the same. Why won’t she listen to me?

Why did I come? Oh, why did I come here? These humans all suck, I’d rather be home feeling violent and lonely. I’m not trying to sound so insincere, but the postcard that’s taped to the freezer reads: “Wish you were here.” How I wish I could disappear. Heads up damage control, there’s a ring around her finger. Last chance for changing lanes and you missed it by a mile.

This must be it. Welcome to the new year.

I’ve come to a realization that my tongue isn’t helping this

At 2, right before I started watching District 9, I found some Mountain Dew in the fridge. I was so happy. It didn’t kick in right away, but it tasted so good. Now, 3 hours later, I can safely say, it has kicked in. I am so incredibly hyper and jittery. Though it is nice to have some energy for once instead of constantly being sluggish. District 9 was such a good movie. I could see a few ways they could do a sequel, which would be cool. Christmas was okay. Since we opened gifts on Christmas Eve, there wasn’t really anything to do besides wait for dinner. It was okay, I guess, but I’m sick of the leftovers already.

It’s Christmas Eve and I’ve only wrapped two fuckin presents!

I looked up at the clock and noticed I only had fifteen minutes to make good use of that lyric. I was up until 6 am playing PixelJunk Shooter. I was determined to get a trophy. My big motivation was that Corey didn’t have it, otherwise I would have given up. It took me like 45 minutes of replaying the mission to get it, but it was ultra satisfying when I did. I didn’t wake up until 4 pm and that was only because Abby was barking. I thought maybe someone stuck her in her cage, because after awhile, she gets sick of being in there and barks, because she knows I’ll let her out, but it was just my brother and everyone else coming over. We had Long John Silvers. It’s basically the only tradition we have left. I wasn’t too hungry, since I just woke up, so I only had fish and fries. A little bit later, Mackenzie and Christopher opened their presents. My mom gave me mine. I got Littlebigplanet game of the year edition and the re-released green power ranger figure. Corey and I have been excited for LBP, since they released the new Pirates of the Caribbean expansion a few days ago. It was pretty fun playing them. We started playing Titan Quest recently, that’s pretty fun. A huge Diablo clone. It doesn’t really feel like Christmas at all. I wanted to go eat some food, but my mom is on the phone.

When your hand stretches out, is it way beyond my reach?

Saturday, I went to town with my brother and Michelle. We walked the mall for the longest time, waiting for his phone to get fixed. I’m incredibly out of shape and was drenched in sweat. I got my mom some angel thing for her birthday. I couldn’t decide between that or a doll, but she doesn’t have much room for the dolls she has now, let alone adding one more. By the time we left there, my foot was hurting pretty bad. They got me a wheelchair for Walmart. We were looking at various things, but we ended up not deciding on anything. I finally got to look at headsets, but they didn’t have any USB ones. I was looking at sound systems, but they all had blu-ray players, which I don’t need. We couldn’t decide what to get the parents for Christmas. We were looking at tvs, but that’s kind of pointless, since the one they have still works and they don’t care about “amazing picture quality” like us. The TV they use now is a TV/VCR combo, which isn’t really made anymore. I still don’t know what to get my dad. I feel bad not buying him something, but he’s really hard to buy for. I limped up the sidewalk when we got home and took my shoe off on the porch. My foot was raw from the brace rubbing against it. There was a piece of skin hanging off. Good times. (Pic upon request!)

I wanted to stop at Subway on the way home from town Saturday, but no one listened, so my dad was like “tomorrow (yesterday) I’ll get you Subway.” He’s such a swell guy. I got Philly steak and it was so good. I wish I had more. I was thinking about how cool it would be to have free Subway for life.

Abby’s pillow should be arriving soon. My mom keeps moving her cage around. She can’t decide where to put it. I played Fat Princess with Corey last night. First time we played that together in awhile, it was fun. Eagerly awaiting the new downloadable content of Littlebigplanet. I felt like I had more to say.

Now I see it all so clear

8:56:50 PM mouood: i think i’m going to watch die hard on christmas eve this year
8:56:55 PM mouood: fuck going to midnight mass with the family
8:56:58 PM warpedbelief: do it.
8:57:08 PM mouood: i’m spending it with john mcclane
8:57:12 PM warpedbelief: haha
8:57:47 PM mouood: i’m already planning on faking an illness, or faking exhaustion, so i don’t have to go to midnight mass
8:58:01 PM mouood: i don’t want to spend time with jesus. especially at midnight.
8:58:02 PM warpedbelief: planning ahead is always good
8:58:08 PM warpedbelief: HAHA!
8:58:36 PM mouood: if jesus wants to spend time with me at midnight, he can do it while i sleep. it’s jesus. he can get in my dreams.
8:58:48 PM mouood: “hey there, good looking study group girl! hey jesus!”